Uninvited Guest

A few years ago, I had - on more than one occasion – the displeasure of having to sleep in my own bed while a bat innocuously flew around my room. At first, I found it maddeningly annoying, not because I was scared of it, but because I was afraid that it would excrete its putrid excrement all over me while I was dozing off. Nobody wants to literally get shit on and I sure as hell didn’t want to wake up the next day having to explain to everyone how I managed to get bat dung all over my face while in the middle of a deep slumber.

Before I continue, let me explain first how bats can get inside my room. The thing is, my room is on the top floor of the house and being the closest room to our roof, it has an exhaust, which is then connected to a vent that can be found on the roof. When the weather becomes unbearably hot, I open the exhaust on my room to allow air – however little it may be - to pass through it. Makes sense, yes?

But, being the forgetful idiot that I am, I sometimes leave the exhaust open, which, in turn, gives these creatures of the night an unobtrusive access into my room.

The first time I saw a bat in my room has actually become a sort of folk legend between me and my mother. It was back in college and I vividly recall studying for a Philo exam for the next day. In the middle of my eyebrow-burning session, I noticed a shadow of something flying around in my room. At first, I ignored the seemingly harmless distraction and thought nothing of it. It wasn’t until the little creature plopped down beside me where I realized that it was, in fact, a bat. My girlish shrieks notwithstanding, I did try to get these blood-suckers out of my room - even resorting to throwing an orange, a broom, a dust pan, and my brother’s expensive Gucci shoe with the hopes of catching them square on the chin and knocking them down. But as you can imagine, I failed miserably and, after what seemed like hours of throwing whatever object-turned-projectile I could get my hands on at them, I mercifully resigned and accepted the fact that I was being evicted from my own room by – of all things – a bat.

Over the next few months, the same scenario repeated itself over and over again: I’m in my room, a bat unexpectedly appears, I shriek like a pubescent girl getting her first period, I vainly try to shoo them away, and I always end up sleeping in another room in the house. Over time, the fear began to dissipate and was instead replaced by general indifference. ‘Fly in my room all you want’, I said. ‘Just don’t bother me when I sleep and do not, under any circumstances, do your business on my face’.

I don’t know if these bats understood my attempt at a truce but whether they did or not, they sure as hell left me alone. So, in return, I did too. And just when it seemed like my room was beginning to become a vacation spot them, they stopped coming, which in hindsight, may have come as a result of us changing the exhausts in my room to one’s that actually closed when I wanted them to.

Nevertheless, they did stop coming and for the longest time, I never saw one of them in my room. That is, of course, until tonight.

For the life of me, I have no idea how this particular one ended up here. I checked the aforementioned exhausts and they’re all closed. The screens on our windows (another former entry point) remain perfectly intact – a striking achievement in its own right considering the wimpiest gust of wind always seem to be enough to tear them apart.

In any case, the bat is still here, although as of right now, its hanging on the ceiling next to my cabinet like a cocoon, without even the slightest glimpse of a twitch. Although it looks completely stoic right now, I’m pretty sure that when I turn off my lamp, it’s going to fly around again, just like old times.

That’s fine, so as long as it doesn’t decide to defecate on me while I sleep.